God, I feel so selfish. I think I am more concerned with trying to find "me" time than I am with serving others. I just read a blog by a missionary in Costa Rica. One thing she wonders is why she is the missionary. I understand what she is saying. Why am I here? Why am I a "missionary"? I get it wrong so many times. I fail to show Christ's love. I get angry and annoyed when I should be caring and understanding. I just want to go and hide when I should be giving hugs and interacting. I want to cry when I should be choosing joy.
Why did you choose me, God? Choose me to come to Honduras, to be someone who is to help care for and show your love to 90+ kids? I fail. I don't know what I'm doing. Too many times, I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do. (Romans 7:19) Is it to show these kids that even a "rich" Christian gringo can mess up, receive God's forgiveness and keep going? Is it just to refine me? Is it because no one else would go? Why, God? Is it so that I find out, so that the kids also see, that it is not by my strength, oh God, but by yours. God, I need your strength.
I wrote the above paragraphs in my journal last night. This morning my devotional scripture selection includes the verses Colossians 1:11-12. So I include this prayer for you and me from The Living Bible. "We are praying, too, that you will be filled with his mighty, glorious strength so that you can keep going no matter what happens- always full of the joy of the Lord, and always thankful to the Father who has made us fit to share all the wonderful things that belong to those who live in the Kingdom of light."
Thank you, God.